Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
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(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”