“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
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Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
me linking you to my twitter
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.