“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
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Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.