Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
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I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.