Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
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My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*