*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
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[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.