they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
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We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.