Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
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Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office