Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
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Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.