Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
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I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)