I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
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*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Before & after 😅
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.