Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
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[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable