Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
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A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Don’t forget to tip your server
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon