ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
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Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise