Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
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A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Breaking news:
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.