I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
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How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜