My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
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Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
my dad has had enough
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.