villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
You Might Also Like
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Nice try Hitler
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets