Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
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Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
My dad.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
are there any atheist mantises?
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora