Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
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I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.