I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
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Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Husband of the year 😂
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Meat Cute
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.