[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
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im all 3
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day