Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
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my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
ready to be harvested
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.