My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
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Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Every work meeting this week
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
life finds a way
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Me too
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.