doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
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Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.