Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
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Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!