[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
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If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain