[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
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Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.