I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
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I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
plant them where lol
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*