The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
You Might Also Like
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
How animals would run if they were human
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*