I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
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BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.