According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
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I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?