I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
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Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
@ candidates for local office
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.