Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
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This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…