[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
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According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
was Jim off killing horses or…
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.