The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
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WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.