“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
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Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
I need better friends
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right