waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
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Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
the red hot silly peppers
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
i baked you a cake
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I can’t deal with men any longer
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.