Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
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me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.