Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
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restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
What even happened today?
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.