[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
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Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence