Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
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If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much