To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
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“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
*offers Batman cough drops*
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.