I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
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If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat