Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
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[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.