Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
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Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
A man of commitment.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.