I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
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i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.