If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
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Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER: