Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
You Might Also Like
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions