friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
You Might Also Like
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.